Are you there, G*d? It's me, Sydney.
… Is this thing still on? 🎤
The Seven Wonderful Cats (1956) by Elizabeth Webbe
You probably weren’t expecting to hear from me again, but I swear I have a perfectly good reason for falling off the grid: I was living, laughing, and loving. When I originally started this newsletter in 2020, I never made any promises about consistency, mostly because any form of commitment makes me anxious. For a while, I was posting at random about once a month, and then somehow I manifested a job that aligned with my interests at this current stage in my career. It happened to me: I got paid to write about things that I actually like! My inner workaholic was reawakened and being busy made me feel like I had a purpose again.
During this transition period of going from freelance to working full-time, I started dating someone that lived upstate so I was spending even less time in the city with friends. But for the first time in my adult life, I finally had all three things at once that Carrie Bradshaw famously claimed everyone is looking for—a job, a boyfriend, and an apartment. Everything was suddenly happening and even though it was overwhelming, I felt like I was soaring, flying, there wasn’t a star in heaven that I couldn’t reach. I was falling in love and it was so… exhilarating. I was really going places and doing things, I was the living embodiment of a main character! It was honestly the best summer I’d had in years, including before the pandemic, and as much as I didn’t want it to end, I was actually excited for the fall because it’s my favorite season.
I won’t make assumptions about how my life is perceived based on what I post on social media, but spoiler: the next season was the most uneventful period of all! Outside of my work, I wasn’t feeling creatively inspired in the slightest, and the remainder of my social life was pretty much nonexistent. I also felt like I was failing as a friend because I wasn’t as present as I used to be. All the while, I kept thinking about returning to this newsletter, but felt like I had nothing to offer anyone. Announcing an official hiatus felt unnecessary so I stopped posting without an explanation. Who cares, you know? I simply had no desire to do anything extra; my default mode was exhaustion and I was veering closer to the edge of burnout as the weeks dragged on. I also disconnected myself from circles in the wellness world that had turned toxic so I felt extremely out of sync from the practices that once kept me grounded.
But I kept pushing myself to get through the end of the year so I could fully recharge during the holiday break. After some much deserved time off, I entered 2022 with a hopeful outlook about what was on the horizon, but that feeling quickly deflated when my relationship unraveled a few weeks shy of Valentine’s Day. I was absolutely gutted by the breakup, but the emotional breakdown would have to wait because I was being offered even bigger opportunities at work that required my full attention. It was the worst winter ever and the prolonged sadness was draining me so I poured all of my energy into these projects, using work as a distraction from the heartbreak and loneliness that was consuming my very valuable time off the clock.
Real talk, I’ve mostly been emotionally constipated through it all—I can definitively count on one hand the amount of times that I’ve sobbed uncontrollably as a form of release. There was a weekend in March where I had two bridal showers and a funeral, and the worst part was all the unsolicited advice about finding my future husband :))))) So that’s everything I’ve had going on since my last dispatch! I’m not sharing this to throw myself a pity party, I just wanted to be transparent about where I’ve been mentally. From the outside, everyone will insist that you’re killing it, but sometimes those same things are actually killing you softly on the inside.
I don’t broadcast every single life update because I’m a private person, but I think it’s important to be aware of what we project into the digital space. Behind-the-scenes, my life has been really messy, and as much as I’ve wanted to hire someone else to clean it up, I have to handle this business myself. Now that Taurus season is finally upon us, I’m slowly feeling more in my element, and an abundance of blessings have already been flowing my way. This April also marks my third year of sobriety so cheers to that! At this time last year I was accepting my offer at AD so I’d like to challenge the universe to bring something even better to the table.
I’m still figuring out what to do with this space, but only wanted to come back to it when I felt ready to tap into my gut feelings. I have a bunch of ideas so I’m going to start messing around on here soon. If you’re still reading this ramble, thanks for vibing with me in the void. 🌷
cheers to 3 years! nice to hear from you again. and the audre lorde questionnaire has ironically left me speechless