A meme of Sufjan Stevens that reads “a sad song on the world’s saddest banjo by sadjan stevens”
Of all the Sufjan Stevens albums, The Age of Adz took me the longest to come around to. I was a late bloomer in the catalogue of Stevens so when I eventually took a liking to this angel of music during the college years I was lured in by the pure emo energy projected through the holier than thou acoustics. (Side note: There’s a high chance that last three last minutes of the closing track “Impossible Soul” will ruin your day.) With the headspace that I currently occupy, it makes sense that “I Want To Be Well” would speak to me now on a deeper level. In 2010, I was nowhere near confronting my invisible illnesses, considering making serious lifestyle changes, or even close to beginning the journey of reconnecting with my own body—I was on the edge of breaking out of my suburban town, from taking the first real step into adulthood, and irritable bowel syndrome had yet to strike and change the course of my life forever.
There’s an interview with Exclaim! where Stevens discloses how that album as a whole reflects on his experience with “working through health issues and getting much more in touch with my physical self.” At the time, he was reportedly recovering from a virus that affected his nervous system and caused hyper-adrenaline and chronic pain. "I'm much more conscious of myself and my health and have a much lower threshold in terms of my workload,” he explains. “I think that's a good thing. I'm trying to be a really good steward of my body. I think working through that in the music has also allowed me to really change my perspective on my work, not take it for granted, and to really delight in every opportunity that I have to be creative and share my work. That's really vital to me now."
A decade later, this is all I really talk about with anyone who gives me the time of day. Now it’s sort of become the only subject that feels good to write about. My interest in wellness stems from following my curiosity wherever it leads whether that’s mushrooms, crystals, or activated charcoal. From a celebrity like Jaden Smith to folks on the frontlines of environmental justice and changemakers in the industry, I want to hold space for that type of discourse because this is what shifts the culture. I’ve interrogated some of the most pressing issues within the wellness industrial complex like whitewashing, the commodification of “self-care,” the spreading of misinformation, and breaking bad digital habits out of a genuine desire to steer the conversation toward a more holistic place within this great pursuit of a higher quality of life. I think everyone deserves access to that. Healers have saved me from forces I couldn’t comprehend.
During one of my meditation classes last week the teacher told us about Jiddu Krishnamurti’s philosophy of “choiceless awareness.” I digested the concept as being an observer to what is happening around you, but not an active participant—you tune in without feeling the urge to respond. You sit with the thoughts that show up and let them float around you while your state of consciousness expands. In the face of hard times I do think that we tend to get carried away with preaching the gospel of ~mindfulness~ which ultimately turns people off from it as a practice, but I really do believe that it’s a better way of thinking and feeling. For some of us it comes more naturally because of the way that we are wired.
Barbara Ehrenreich’s book Natural Causes: An Epidemic of Wellness, the Certainty of Dying, and Killing Ourselves to Live Longer is one of many books that I’m currently reading as a part of my ongoing learning process in this area. (Prior to this, I devoured Leigh Stein’s new novel Self Care for fun and it was all that and a bag of kale chips!) All this time inside has shown me how fundamental education is to my existence—I don’t feel like I’m really growing as a person if I’m not learning every step of the way. My friend Bianca told me to take a human design type test and I was confirmed as a Projector; this is a rare and complex breed destined to guide others because of our natural conditioning to “recognize how energy should be applied.” Not surprising that as we pave our path toward fulfillment, we often push ourselves to the edge of exhaustion and burnout…
All I want is for all of us to be well.
Did I go at it wrong?
Did I go intentionally to destroy me?
I'm suffering in noise I'm suffering in (touching ordinary bodies)
The burning from within the burning from with (ordinary hysteria)
I could not be at rest, I could not be at peace (extraordinary hysteria)