Image of an ocean that reads “(comfortable silence)” via @museumofpeaceandquiet
I know how ironic it must look to follow a reflection on being in a position where I felt silenced with a post about finding comfort in silence, but I swear I’m going somewhere with this so please stay with me! Sometimes, there are moments that don’t need to be filled with words. Two very vivid memories come to mind where I came to understand this while processing it in real time. The first was when I was an 18-year-old undergrad student attending a show in D.C. with a friend that I had a crush on—I was unsure if the feelings were mutual therefore it was unclear if we were on a date or not. After some casual banter before the main act came on, I was starting to feel uninterested in carrying the conversation and wasn’t sure what to do. Should I keep babbling to kill time or was it better to just shut up? I opted for silence. Not long after, the band we had been awkwardly waiting for made their way to the stage and I could direct my attention to someone else. Since then, I have actually become friends with both of the artists we saw that night. As for the guy I went to the show with? We no longer speak, but I genuinely wish him well!
The other situation took place about two years ago. At the time, I was dating someone that I cared about almost more than myself (which I now know was my first mistake), but the relationship wasn’t living up to my expectations. I won’t hash out all the details because that’s not why we’re here and I’ve already done that work in therapy, but toward the end of our time there was this one day that we spent together where I wasn’t feeling well. We had decided to meet downtown to watch Wildlife in theaters and I should have gone home afterward, but I wanted to make the most of my time with him so I obliged to go back to his apartment in Brooklyn. Once I got to his room, I assumed that he would take care of me which he sort of did, but not to the degree that I would have gone for him—he merely draped a blanket over my shivering body, put on some music that clearly didn’t leave a lasting impression because I couldn’t tell you what it was now, then started to read a book while he laid beside me and occasionally rubbed my back for support.
But in that moment I fixated on how romantic it was to be so comfortable with each other that we could share silence. I will never forget that clip where Beto O'Rourke speaks for three and a half minutes straight while his wife sits in silence next to him, but all jokes aside I like the idea of “comfortable silence” and subtle gestures. I’ve weirdly been fantasizing about it since I was a teenager, probably after learning about the word “mamihlapinatapai” on Tumblr when I was a sucker for unrequited love. (I’m painfully embarrassed to admit that the most memorable Taylor Swift lyric for me is “I've never heard silence quite this loud.”) I’ll go ahead and further expose myself with this tweet that I once put out into the universe:
Switching gears, I’m the type of person who prefers silence in situations where socializing can feel forced i.e. any form of transportation or networking at an event. Unpopular opinion, but spending an entire car ride talking to friends or family is even more exhausting to me… It’s a lot of pressure to stay engaged with others for such an extended period of time! As an only child, silence is practically my second nature. Now that I am an adult who lives alone, I’ve grown accustomed to spending most of my days in complete silence—sometimes the only person that I speak to out loud is myself! It’s strange to feel like you’ve been on mute all day long. They say that Tauruses are the queens/kings of “giving the silent treatment,” and I’m inclined to believe this to be true. For me, it’s more about not wanting to waste words.
I choose to save my breath because when I do speak my mind I have carefully thought out everything from the structure of a sentence to how it will be interpreted on the receiving end—even the most meaningless of tweets were made with a lot of thought behind them! I also weigh the significance of what I have to say when it comes to engaging in discourse in public or private. I’m not important enough that every opinion I might have needs to be known and I’m not interested in fame or attention.
When I was 20, I tweeted the following quote: “Life is so ironic. It takes sadness to know happiness, noise to appreciate silence, and absence to value presence.” I’m not sure what was happening on that particular day in 2013, but reading it now feels like it was intended to be a special reminder for the present me from my younger self. Silence speaks volumes and being empowered by it can lead to personal breakthroughs. Deep introspection is a grounding force and comfortable silence is a boundary when you choose to use it. My friend Michelle shared this powerful quote with me a few months ago that further emphasizes why I maintain this point of view: “Don’t partake in a conversation where someone is determined to misunderstand you.”
I recently had a tarot reading with Khalilah and the cards basically told me to put my racing thoughts in check and avoid rushing into any decisions by slowing down. I’ll leave you with Mazzy Star’s “Into Dust” because that’s where my vibrations are located right now.